This is why I never get a good night's sleep.

Dear dude who lives above the boyfriend,

Why must you leave your A/C on allllllll night?  I mean that's when it's nice outside and opening the windows cools things off without sapping the energy grid. Seriously, though, your A/C drips asynchronously on the boyfriend's A/C (which is a lot louder than it sounds), right next to the bed, and keeps me awake. Not appreciated. Also, you don't sound as awesome as you think you do on your bass --> turn your amp down. I like to sleep in and/or hear the TV. Where do you get off coming down here right after the boyfriend moved in to be all, "why do I hear thump thump thump at 3am?" when you stomp around like you're Roosevelt or something? We try to keep the volume down on the TV but you're not making it so easy.

Sincerely,

Sara

~*~

Dear gardeners,

Why must you use machinery to cut greenery every weekday morning at like 8am? Are you completely opposed to anyone in the apartment complex sleeping in? Maybe you should sleep in longer before coming to work. That would make everyone happier and well rested!

Sincerely,

Sara

~*~

Dear toddler that lives in the bedroom below my Mountain View apartment,

What's with the morning tantrums? I get it, you're angry about being so tiny and futile in the rebellion against your British mum and her insistence that you wear hellish clothing, but repeatedly slamming your closet door doesn't really solve anything, plus it wakes me up earlier than I want to be. Believe me, I've been there, but all tantrums do is frustrate the people around you and force them to plot your "accidental" death that much more earnestly.

Sincerely,

Sara

~*~

Dear early-rising roommate,

I have the "Stuff White People Like" daily calendar so I know you like to wake up with the sun and seize the day and everything, but must you do it with such vigor? The kitchen cupboards with which my bedroom shares a wall will close just as well with a gentle closing motion as they do with an enthusiastic slam. Also, if you are going to spend half an hour before work making an extravagant breakfast, make me some, too, will you? I was totally awake anyway.

Sincerely,

Sara

~*~

Dear everyone in my building,

Isn't slamming doors a little juvenile? I suppose I'm all for it if you're 16 years old and just said something really angsty and need to make a dramatic exit, but I find it hard to believe that this is the case for so many apartments so many times in the day. Perhaps I should slam my front door more often to demonstrate how violently it shakes the entire building. Not cool.

Sincerely,

Sara

~*~

Dear Sara,

Why do you even bother living in apartments? All the people who live in apartment buildings are CRAZY! And loud. And rude. Work on making enough money to buy a freaking house already. It would do us both a favor.

Sincerely,

Sara