This is Water

It has definitely been a while.

*tap, tap* Hello? Anyone out there?

I've been thinking of starting this thing up again for a while, just *life* got in the way. You know, busy adult with many important things to do. That's me, I guess? I suppose I was too occupied with living to stop and write about it.

Anyway, I watched this today, and it reminded me I have this blog that started out aiming to talk about this kind of stuff -- adulthood and discovering what it is all about because, ready or not, you're an adult now!

[source]

The video was a commencement speech, though the visual additions really improve it. I am not sure I would appreciate it the same way as a senior graduating from college (especially looking forward into the great expanse of opportunity that...oh, right, I graduated in 2009 and hardly anyone had jobs waiting for them! I could count myself one of the lucky, however), but exactly 4 years to the day after my own commencement from USC, I can say I am familiar with the tedium and repetition of adulthood, the day-in/day-out of it all.

Four freaking years later. I was in high school for 4 years, I was in college for 4 years, and now I have been out of college for 4 years. What did I graduate from this time? Oh, right, I am still in this nebulous expanse of adulthood. Do I ever graduate? How many life achievements do I need to reach first? Where do I exchange tickets for prizes?

But so much has happened! I have had three jobs as a Software Engineer (even if my job title wasn't always specifically that), I have lived in three separate apartments in two separate cities, once with three  roommates, always with three  cats, and one amazing boyfriend. I have learned so much and collected far too many hobbies. It is hard to believe how much time has passed. There is so much life to live!

I would like to say my day-in/day-out is a bit better than the video depicts. I did go to the grocery store to buy dinner supplies tonight, but it was on the way home from work (not significantly out of the way, and I didn't have to drive! yay for carpooling!), and it was Trader Joe's instead of Ralph's, and the Trader Joe's checkers are always very friendly (also: free samples!), and I almost always use a hand basket and bring my own bag and patiently wait in line before making small talk with the checker ("No, I haven't tried this flourless chocolate cake yet, but yes, it looks delicious! The almond flour I am buying? Why yes, I am turning into one of those trendy adults who is avoiding wheat products, but I have no idea what I am doing!"), because honestly, the work day is over! Stop rushing! Interact with these other people who operate in different worlds from you and are not the people you busy about with at work all day. "How's the water?" (In all honesty, I beeline for the self-checkout at Ralph's if I don't have any alcohol; it's kind of sad when the checkers are standing alone while everyone rushes through the self-checkout).

My life isn't too exciting. I definitely fall into that white collar pile, wrung out by the end of the day (oh, and the end of the week looks like death, with sleep addiction over the weekend) from the working and the thinking and the rushing, balancing a million work things in my head along with a million life-as-a-whole things in my head, and when I get home, I enjoy my dinner and some Netflix, sometimes lots of Netflix, sometimes some wine or a beer, sometimes some video games, many times some cuddling with cats and/or boyfriend, and, if I happen to be particularly driven, I work on something else after work, and my mind will be buzzing all night long while I am trying to sleep.

I have told my boyfriend this, at times when I have been frustrated by work, which comes and goes, that I'd like to work towards the ability to work for myself. That would probably take place at home, because I like being at home (after all, I have worked so hard for years and years to have money to pay rent in a nice apartment and buy many nice things to occupy my time until I have to go to work again!), and consist of making things to support myself. Those things would be some combination of mobile apps, web content, and other software. The point is, I would make things well, things that generate income either from consumer purchase or traffic, things I enjoy making, and be my own boss in the process.

Some day. Not today. For now, I continue to learn and to improve. Some of that happens at work, some of it happens on my own time at home after work. I can't let the boring stuff get me down!

When that day comes, I will still get stuck in traffic, I will still go to the grocery store, I will still make dinner, and I will still have chores. Those tedious adult tasks will still be there, even if my life changes.

Secret to being a happy adult:

This is water; just keep swimming!

I think that was my point? This whole post didn't really glue together well. I clearly need more practice.

Perhaps I'll remember to blog again soon.

Holy ramblings, Batman! Time for bed!

Emerging Adulthood?

I happened across a link to this New York Times article, What Is It About 20-Somethings that really resonated with me, and it is so fitting with the theme of this blog that I had to discuss it here.

Twenty-somethings aren't growing up as fast as they used to.  When once 25-year-olds were done with school, with persistent jobs and homes, on the way to financial stability, married and with kids on the way, young adults today are frequently still switching jobs and residences, perhaps about to go back to school, or even moving back in with mom & dad.  Psychologists and sociologists are fighting to introduce a new life stage to accommodate this failure-to-launch period: emerging adulthood.


Similar to a century ago, economic and social changes caused the development of the "adolescent" age group, which at that point needed to be rallied into mainstream acceptance.  This meant a lot of changes to education and health care as well as legal restrictions around their needs and decision-making abilities that were unique to their stage in development.  We take it for granted now, but it really needed help to become established, and the same could be true for us.

Honestly, as I read this article, I am constantly nodding my head emphatically in agreement.  I see myself reflected in the psychological profile -- hey, I'm feeling in-between, that poetic "sense of possibilities", caught up in identity exploration -- as I feel overwhelming anxiety about not being so sure about the path I've chosen for myself, though feeling a strong desire to settle down, jealous of peers who know exactly what they want, what they're doing, and even are already more than halfway there.  I haven't lived in one place more than 1 year since moving away from my parents at age 17.  In college, I kept each of my jobs for two years and worked at my first Big Girl job for just less than one year.  I've just started another job in a different city than before (where I went to college, partially trying earnestly to hold onto those golden years when everything was fun, even if financially struggling and academically challenging, and the future seemed so bright and exciting) and already I have daily (Monday through Friday, anyway) panic attacks that this isn't what I want to do, this isn't where I saw myself when I was in college, and hey this isn't the city I probably want to settle down in.

Without the "emerging adult" label in mainstream production yet, there's unease with this seeming inability to grow up, and anxiety over the fact that the 20th century generations seemed to have no problem whatsoever.

Sure, I also have to force myself to step back and realize I am not the textbook case of this social epidemic.  I did not move home, I did get a job right out of college, I am starting to build up some solid savings (though that month of unpaid vacation really ate into it because I kept spending like I was when I had hefty paychecks e-deposited twice each month), I have a retirement account (though largely attributed to my accountant dad's forthrightness), I don't have any crippling debt (while I didn't sign my financial future away for loans to pay for school that other people use to buy houses, I do owe my dad his retirement money, and have already started to pay it back; before you say, "Psht, that's not real debt," I ask you if you'd really do that to your parents if they supported you far more than anyone else did, really sincerely care about your happiness, have to pay for ridiculous healthcare costs leading up to and following your mother's heart+lung transplant, and are still supporting your 30-something ["failed adulthood?"] brother who has no job, a useless degree, a recovering alcohol addiction, and some way to pay for life?), I grocery shop and cook real meals for myself and my live-in boyfriend...  But I know I won't be living in this apartment in 6 months, I know I won't be at this job for more than one year (or I will probably shoot myself out of boredom, else shoot my boyfriend for having his dream job and in many ways my dream job), and I feel so...lost.

I feel like I got off track.  Didn't life seem like this big, bright, conquerable thing when we were in college?  Like a giant juicy peach just waiting for you to take a selfish, greedy bite?  And now?  Like I studied the wrong thing, and graduated at the wrong time, and took the wrong job, and wow I shouldn't have adopted cats because you really should have your own house with a yard for that kind of thing. 

This scholarly support for the "it's just a stage and it's not just you" theory is incredibly relieving.  At the same time though, the counter-argument is that accommodating this prolonged maturation is a self-fulfilling prophecy, as well as "just another term for self-indulgence".  If that doesn't make you feel guilty, don't worry -- I'll feel guilty enough for the both of us.

It's especially difficult hearing stories of my parents and grandparents, who grew up so quickly in comparison.  While I insisted on paying my own bills in college, my parents bought my groceries, gas, insurance, rent, and anything school-related.  In contrast, I have so many times heard the story of my mom working three jobs in college just to make ends meet with no time to study for finals and barely enough money to eat.  My parents' early years as a married couple were in near poverty -- a can of beans for dinner and cinder block furniture, fitting everything they owned in a car without enough money for more gas.  My grandmother hitchhiked home through rural Illinois, diploma in hand, from her college graduation, while I sipped champagne and ate souffle in downtown LA with my parents toasting my achievements. 

At 22-going-on-23, aren't you a "woman" and no longer a "girl"?

I feel like I should be all grown up by now.  My parents just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary (married at 21, my parents were the definition of average in 1970 according to this article) and were already in their 2nd house by the time I was born.  Yet being stable enough or able to afford a house exists in such an impossible future in my mind.

Yet how many people in college or just out of it insist on "some day" and "when I have lots of money" and that seemingly attainable future that is exactly what they want?  I say it, everyone I know says it, and 96% of those surveyed are "very sure that someday [they] will get to where [they] want to be in life."

Combine "more self-focused than at any other time of life, less certain about the future and yet also more optimistic, no matter what their economic background" with "dread, frustration, uncertainty, a sense of not quite understanding the rules of the game" and it's no wonder our generation is overcome with depression -- the "I have issues I need to resolve and I will mull over this until I figure out what the hell I'm going to do to fix it" natural selection kind of depression.


And they said adolescence would be the hardest time when you're in it.  Now I'm in the new-age adolescence.  You know, the one where mistakes really do have consequences in the Big Bad World.

They really need to hurry up and write a bunch of psychology books on the subject so I can know what to expect and how to get myself through it.  Like now.  I guess until then, one day at a time?

Secret to being a happy adult:

realize you're still becoming one.

Uncomfortable Silence

Since I moved into the boyfriend's apartment on the 8th floor, as well as starting my job on the 12th floor, I have come to realize how common it is for people to be uncomfortable with silence in elevators.

Typically, if I don't know the person in the elevator or other public space, I don't talk to them.  Exceptions are when we have a shared experience worth commenting on ("I guess it needed convincing" when the elevator door refuses to close without emphatic door-close-button presses), or some other relevant reason to engage an otherwise complete stranger ("your bag is open" or "you dropped your child's shoe").  Not so for many fellow elevator-riders.

Perhaps they think that chatting in the elevator will help them make friends with one of the hundreds they share the building with, but it's kind of sad and more uncomfortable when they grasp at flimsy straws to make conversation for the 20 seconds we spend together. The worst ones are when all they do is start listing things I am carrying.

The other day, I was taking up some groceries from the parking level, and though I shared a ride for only one level, the elevator moves at the speed of smell and the swimsuit-clad man I shared the car with managed to make me really uncomfortable with his awkwardness.  The conversation went something like this:
Man: "You got some Snapple there."
Me: "What? Um, yeah."
Man: "You're set to go!"
Me: "Huh?? Oh yeah I guess. I like Snapple."
Man: "Snapple is great."
*elevator doors open for the man to leave*
Man: "Take it easy."

This morning I was particularly reluctant to be awake and arriving at work, so I was especially weirded out by a stranger attempting to be friendly.  I think I invited conversation for mumbling, "Thank you" when the man gestured for me to get in the elevator first (what can I say: I always reward gentleman behavior).  I made lasagna for dinner last night and was bringing leftovers for lunch.  Finding nothing else to say and obviously obligated to speak, he commented on the, "delicious- and healthy-looking" food I was carrying in tupperware that was far too large for the meal it was containing.

Why can people not stand even a moment's silence anymore?  I think the iPod might be to blame, as virtually everyone walks or bikes places with earbuds drowning out the dull silence of travel.  I, too, am guilty of music playing in my car 99% of the time.  But I can still appreciate silence.  For example, I like to mute the stereo during heavy rain so I can listen to it rapping on my car roof.  I also was always the rare case of a USC student biking to class or work and actually being aware of my surroundings. 

Why listen to pre-recorded music you've heard 1000 times when you can be amused by the colorful characters on the street?  Like a sorority girl failing to control her pink beach cruiser while she talks on the phone and crosses the street, and then crashes into an innocent pedestrian.  Or the nonsensical babble uttered by the regular hobos.  Or the cat-calls from the 12-year-old 5th graders at the hood's grade school.

The world is full of crazy people, which makes for great people watching, and you're going to miss it if you're always racing to fill your silence. 

Secret to being a happy adult:

shut up once in a while and be an observer.

Waiting for Life to Begin

So I'm moving back to Los Angeles. Like an adult, not with an expiration date. It's still sinking in.

I am both terribly off-put by the idea and incredibly excited.

On the one hand, LA is a dirty, crowded, expensive, depressing, soul-crushing city.
On the other, I started a life here in college and haven't felt much like I've been living my own life ever since I left; I have felt it put on hold, like I'm waiting for something.

I keep getting caught up in "this is just a transition" thoughts, which in some ways is true.  I keep thinking this is just a dress rehearsal, that life hasn't really begun, so keep on twiddling your thumbs waiting for the next round of musical chairs. 

We're always waiting for our lives to begin, figuring we'll be someone else some day. But all we have is now.

Secret to being a happy adult:

live your life now.

Dreams

I just saw Inception.  It was pretty awesome. The fact that I say that when I spent the last hour of the movie squirming in bladder-ful pain means it was a great movie. Damn you, large Icee, and your 50-cent upgrade from regular size!

I've always been a dream person, though. I find dreams and the subconscious extremely fascinating, and am constantly inspired by my own.  I really should be better about writing them down when I wake up, because sometimes I remember having an epic dream the night before -- one that, upon waking, inspires me to write a book or game about it -- but lose the really special details of it by the time I sit down with time to write about it.

~ Spoilers (kind of...no plot spoilers)! ~

I think Inception did a great job capturing the experience of the dreamer, while also making it an action movie. It was like Ocean's Eleven but for dreams/thoughts instead of Vegas/money.

In the movie, they called it "the kick" but I've always called it "falling awake". Everyone knows what I'm talking about, and I'm so happy they used that experience in the movie. Actually, I guess they twisted it to be more about actually falling and that waking you up. The phenomenon I am talking about is when you are asleep and feel like you are falling and wake up with a jolt in bed, obviously in no actual danger of falling.

I also thought they did a great job taking advantage of the fact that when you are asleep/dreaming, time moves slower in the dream than in real life. The first time I realized this was when I was about 5 years old and still sleeping in my parents' bed on occasion. My mom got up and said she'd wake me up when she was done with her shower, and I swore I was asleep for an hour. Inception uses this concept to build levels of induced dreaming such that at each level, more time passes in the dream than in the level above, making it possible to accomplish a whole lot in the space of a nap or single night of sleep. In effect, if the dream-inducing concept in the movie were possible, it would solve the problem of not having enough time in a day. Obviously it wouldn't provide more time to do physical things. What it would be useful for is to spend time in your mind thinking about problems or decisions, or if you architected it properly (the materials available in the dream), you could study!  That's the nerd in me speaking, because I wish I had enough time in my life to learn any number of new skills and languages.

Since the dreams can be shared, I imagine the social potential.  Second Life is a virtual world where people can meet up with their avatars to watch movies together, or meet with an online class or community.  In the movie, all the dream participants had to be in close proximity, so distant network dreaming wouldn't necessarily be possible (or would it?), but I can imagine a lot of fun being had with a group of friends sleeping for a few hours and (safely) traveling a foreign city or an amusement park together, or a couple getting together for a fancy date without even leaving home. Anyone see the movie Date Night? Imagine a married couple taking a 20 minute nape together and being able to go on a dream date in that time? The possibilities would be as limitless as the human mind.

People always tell me that I am strange to be able to remember my dreams with such detail, but really it's only the ones that mean something to me at the time that I particularly hold onto, kind of like memories from before the age of 5 -- you only really hold onto the extra memorable ones. Well I have had a lot of dreams in my life that I wish so hard that I could go back to. The dream-inducing in this movie makes that possible: you architect a dream that, coupled with the time-lengthening property of dreams, enables you to live for many hours or longer -- even years -- in an alternate reality that you can create yourself, without losing hardly any time in the real world. In the movie, this is recognized as a drug, and I am glad it did not overlook that potential. What is truly amazing about it is your body does not age in the real world, only your mind. The downside? You lose your natural ability to dream on your own. That would be a travesty. As great as it would be to invent my own dream worlds to escape to, I would despair at losing the incredibly things my subconscious completely invents on its own, the ones that still surprise and inspire me.

Secret to being a happy adult:

take time to dream.

p.s. I went to Borders after the movie, and couldn't stop myself.  It's been a little over a year since my mom closed her bookstore, the one I grew up in (when I was ~4, I even picked out which bookshelf in the layout would be the children's section), and I realized how much I miss it. Borders was competition for my mom's tiny independent shop in downtown Willow Glen, but the selection is marvelous, and I had to stop myself from spending the entire afternoon browsing.  When I have a house some day, I will have so many bookshelves full of books because I seriously want every one (and have no time to read them)!

Let Me Down

I live in a constant struggle between doing what will make me happy and doing what will let the fewest people down.

Today that conflict is swimming around in my head.

As mentioned before, I am at a crossroads.  After this holiday weekend, I am going back down to LA for a four-week unpaid vacation ("personal leave") in hopes of a more successful job hunt as a local.  This is the bit that will make me happy.

I feel the excitement of a schoolgirl during the last week of classes before summer break! I get to live with the boyfriend for a month, which I haven't gotten to do for a significant length of time since his winter break, and before that, last summer. Nevertheless, long distance has not degraded our relationship too much -- we see each other almost every weekend and talk every day; he is my best friend. I also get to visit several friends I left behind after graduating college. Beyond that, I have planned a daily schedule for while he is at work, to include three hours of job applications, a mid-day break for lunch, tanning, and exercise, and three hours of skill development (Actionscript/Flash, web technologies, and spiffing up my website -- I'll post a link when it's more something to be proud of). If I am awesome enough to overcome the 12% unemployment in LA, I will finish the four weeks with a new job to replace my current one, which I am not crazy about. 

Sounds like a good deal, right? So why do I feel uneasy about it?

When I first started casually searching for jobs a few months ago, I felt guilty about the prospect of abandoning my team before the customer demo.  Well today was our last team meeting before the demo, when we all get split up to do other things because our project is being shelved indefinitely (until Customers show interest and sign a contract to give us more funding) -- hence the perfect timing for my four-week leave, approved by the supervisor lining up my next project upon my return.

I'm not abandoning my team, so what's the problem?

Also for the last few months, I have been putting off submitting my paperwork to initiate the investigation for my security clearance required to really get involved in the projects at my company.  Well while discussing my next project with my supervisor, she asked if my investigation was started. Fearful for getting in trouble (in case I can't get a job in four weeks and find myself dejectedly returning in August), I finished updating my paperwork and turned it in. Today, I signed it and showed up for fingerprinting.

Now, the reason I was putting off submitting my paperwork is twofold.

(1) I feel an immense anxiousness over the idea of the government investigating my entire life (I'm sure they'll find and read this at some point), digging me out of my pseudo-anonymity in the world.  A polygraph? Not jazzed about that. Being required to ask the government's position before publishing anything or leaving the country? A security clearance sounds a lot like signing my life over like a goddamn soldier.

(2) The cost of one of these top secret security clearance investigations? I've heard it's something in the ballpark of 10-grand. Now, I'd imagine that if my company invested in such an expensive undertaking, they wouldn't be too happy about me jumping ship before returning anything on that investment.

I do not like to burn bridges.

I suppose resigning a mere few weeks after the initiation would probably save a lot more resources than if I were to do so several months in to the process, or shortly after my clearance goes through. But I can't imagine I'd leave a good impression by disappearing suddenly in the middle of a "personal leave" that started immediately after finally submitting my paperwork months after my security officer started hounding me about it.

Seriously? I am feeling guilty about trying to get out of something I never wanted in the first place?

As I said, today was the last team meeting. My team lead came to my office afterward to praise my hard work over these last 10 months. He said that I did an "exceptional job, especially for someone with your experience level" and that it "was a real pleasure having you on the team."

Well now who feels like a real asshole for secretly trying to get away?

I am trying to tell myself that the timing is right, if I really get to find what I am looking for in LA, that I worked really hard and left a good impression on my team, that I am not abandoning anyone, but I still can't shake the unease that I am burning bridges with the company.

But why should I give a damn? I don't want to work there in the future, do I? All I should care about are my team members who can act as references down the road. And leaving is a move in the direction of shaping my life to be the way I want it to be.

Secret to being a happy adult:

live your life the way that will make you the most happy, regardless of the heaviest conflicting expectations.

I'll let you know when I figure out an easy way to do that.